I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
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Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
put ‘er there pardner!
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.