My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
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Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Did I do this right
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking