[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
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Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.