So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
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[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
When news reporters do sports stories
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.