I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
You Might Also Like
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.