*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
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Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
much to think about
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?