If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
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me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please