out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*