The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
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After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I mean…but I did
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy