[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Never forget.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.