spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
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Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Sing it!
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.