is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Comparing yourself to others
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect