“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.