Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
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Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no