When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ