Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
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Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
🤣
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.