I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
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My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Smile Twitter, Smile.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.