The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
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Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
cat vs inanimate object
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Death certificates are our last participation award.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️