[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
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An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Swedish for common sense.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.