Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
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Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
wow
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
This is sending me to another galaxy
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…