pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
You Might Also Like
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
i can’t wait that long
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
the last thing a carrot sees
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie