SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.