I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.