dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
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Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Last-minute gift idea!
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors