Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
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You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
“I wouldn’t.”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE