When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
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They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”