[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
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Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.