I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
When can I start eating bats again.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.