I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
You Might Also Like
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
A little too much information.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Lmao
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…