them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Breaking news:
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
ready to be harvested
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.