Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]