People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
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no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Just a bush.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad