3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
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[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.