My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
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Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.