I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Mornin. * use accordingly
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”