*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh