Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Comparing yourself to others
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine