Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
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BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
PLEASE READ
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.