He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
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Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Oh the world we live in…
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.