MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!