Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I am having an out of money experience.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.