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GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
The game has officially changed 😎
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.