Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
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Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
his wife is probably gonna see that
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola