[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
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Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
i dont have time for this
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan