Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
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What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.