If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
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When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient