*limbos away from your hug*
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Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.