[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
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I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport