<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
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Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Did…did a minotaur write this
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”