Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
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[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.